Successful Relationships
Relationship Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Denver, Colorado
Whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, relationship stressors impact all of us nearly every day. As a father, husband, son, brother, dog owner, urban farmer, and small business owner, the types of relationships I navigate daily in my life journey are numerous. If you take a moment to reflect on the relationships in your life—your relationship with a romantic partner, family, friends, money, career, hobbies, and even the relationship you have with yourself—I am sure you will notice how every part of life can be viewed through the lens of relationships.
And this is not a surprise. As humans, we are uniquely a community-focused species and thrive in healthy, loving, and supportive relationships. However, this also means that we are at risk of being deeply wounded and hurt when the relationships in our lives suffer.
I want to share with you five daily practices I personally use that have had an immense impact on the relationships in my life, and I believe they can help you too.
Develop a mindfulness practice. For me, this includes sitting meditation, walking mindfulness, guided meditations, introspective reading, and practicing with others. Mindfulness is an incredibly diverse and flexible practice capable of fitting into any lifestyle and belief system.
Emotional intelligence. Everyone is familiar with IQ, but not so much when it comes to emotional intelligence. I find this to be particularly evident with men. The conditioning and modeling men receive tells us not to talk about our feelings, to suppress our emotions, and always act like we have it all together. I know similar dynamics apply to all folx as well. The truth is, emotional intelligence is far more important to life satisfaction and successful relationships than IQ or pretending you have it all figured out.
Open and honest vulnerable communication with my life partner. My wife and I have changed together and grown together in just about every area of life, including our relationship. Without the open and honest vulnerable communication we’ve developed over the years, we surely would have grown apart or found ourselves stuck in an unhappy relationship. Instead, we’re able to share with one another our frustrations, joys, hurts, and excitement about the new things we’re discovering along our life journey, and our relationship is better because of it.
Healthy eating and regular exercise. Don’t mistake this for needing to start the latest dieting fad or an external pressure to work out. Those motivators come from a place of “should,” and one of my life mottos is “don’t should on yourself.”
A belief that everyone is doing the best they can. Even if it seems someone is doing a pretty poor job at life, if we embrace the belief that they are still doing their best, we can begin to access curiosity, which leads to understanding that everyone is dealing with their own monsters and trauma. This doesn’t mean we can’t address or talk about things that frustrate us about someone else or bring up an issue when we feel wronged. But when we recognize that everyone is doing the best they can, our approach changes. We can access love and forgiveness even when we feel someone has done us wrong.
Bonus because it’s vital—above all else, develop a healthy relationship with your anger. Unbridled anger looks like resentment, contempt, malice, assuming the worst in the other, always seeing yourself as the victim, and not taking responsibility in the role you play in every relationship. The opposite of anger is not pretending to be a nice guy. In my experience, the nice guy that everyone experiences on the outside is often the most angry within themselves and in their most private relationships. The opposite of anger is compassion. But in order to have compassion for others, you must first learn how to have and shown deep compassion to yourself, to those times in life you wish you could go back and change, to that part of you that feels like a mess up, and to every mistake you’ve made and will continue to make for the rest of your evolution. Learn to be a compassionate person.
If you noticed, only number 3 has anything to do with the other person you’re in relationship with, and even then, we can always move toward more communication even when we feel it’s not being reciprocated.
What this means is that the key to successful relationships begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
You are the only common denominator in every relationship you’ll experience. You are also the only person you can change. Spending any time or effort on changing anyone else is futile at best and entirely counterproductive at worst.
If you’re ready to begin the process of developing a better relationship with yourself, I’d love for you to schedule a free consultation with me.
