Get Unstuck with Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy
Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) is on the rise throughout the United States and elsewhere. Perhaps you’ve heard of it or maybe you haven’t. I’d like to share with you a bit about KAP, what some of the clinical studies are finding, what to expect in KAP, and next steps if you’re interested in this treatment option for yourself.
Brief History of Psychedelics
To understand Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy it is important to understand a bit about the larger framework of psychedelic assisted therapy. Psychedelics have been used in psychotherapy for over ~50 years around the world. There is an ever growing trove of clinical studies researching the effectiveness of these medicines. We must also recognize that psychedelics have been used for thousands of years in nearly every people group by healers, medicine workers, and shamans. We are now in a time where clinical studies and scientific research is closely studying just how healing and helpful such medicines can be for our psyche.
Ketamine is a synthetic dissociation anesthetic first invented in 1962 and approved for use by the FDA in the US in 1970. It quickly became a trusted and reliable anesthetic for medical procedures such as emergency surgery due to it’s relatively quick absorption into the body, safe and consistent effects, low risk, and minimal side affects. This means Ketamine, when prescribed by a medical professional and used as prescribed, is safe, legal, and effective.
Clinical Evidence for KAP
Throughout the years clinical researchers found that when a non-anesthetic dose (meaning you don’t loose consciousness) of Ketamine is used in conjunction with psychotherapy it can help clients obtain truly life changing healing. In the more recent years neuroscientists have found that neuroplasticity plays a vital role in healing from mental health conditions. In brief, neuroplasticity refers to our brains ability to adapt, change, and create new neural pathways based on what we are experiencing, our environment, and what we are consuming. Studies show that ketamine assists in our brain’s ability to heal by creating a fertile environment which encourages neuroplasticity for about two to three weeks. It is during this window that psychotherapy comes into the picture in a pivotal role.
Risks of KAP
It is important to acknowledge that ketamine does come with risks. Ketamine has become an illicit party drug, people do abuse ketamine, and some can become addicted to it. In very rare cases and in individuals with preexisting conditions there can be very adverse reactions to ketamine and there have been fetal incidents - let us not forget how Elijah McClain was tragically murder in 2019 by paramedics and police from an involuntary ketamine injection during a racially motivated forced detainment by police in Aurora, CO. These risks are carefully mitigated and considered by both the therapist and the prescribing medical team before undergoing KAP. Specifically, we look at contraindications, meaning unique conditions and considerations that might determine an individual is not a good candidate for KAP.
Absolute contraindications include:
Uncontrolled hypertension
Unstable cardiovascular disease
Unstable medical conditions
Ketamine allergy
Active ketamine abuse or dependence
Acute mania or mixed state
History of primary psychotic disorder
Relative contraindictions include:
History of ketamine abuse or dependence
Active substance use disorder
Extreme personality disorders
Thyroid disease
Glaucome
Ideal Conditions Treated with KAP
Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy has been show to be particularly effective in treating treatment resisted depression, PTSD, trauma, anxiety, OCD, Bipolar, suicidal ideations, and addictions. These are some of the most challenging conditions to treat in traditional talk therapy. This is not to say that talk therapy or more targeted techniques such as EMDR, IFS, SFBT, MI, Mindfulness, DBT, CBT, etc are not effective. I want to be absolutely clear - these interventions and many other techniques are incredibly helpful, beneficial, and also evidence based in treating the above mentioned conditions. However, some individuals find only limited progress or none at all when engaging in talk therapy. This is where KAP can really help. The research shows that ketamine is uniquely suited for individuals who have struggled to make progress in treatment or struggled to sustain progress. In my opinion, the key factor is when ketamine is integrated with talk therapy. I am not advising against injection clinics or home treatment but my training and belief in this medicine is when it is integrated with talk therapy. Some individuals even report an entirely unique experience when ketamine is used in the safe and supportive environment of their therapist’s office as compared to using it on their own. Additionally, KAP can be useful for those who have been making progress in therapy, not just those experiencing “treatment resistance”, and want to go deeper and build off their progress. KAP is also a useful tool in couples therapy.
What the process entails
The first step is meeting with a therapist who is trained in providing Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy. After the initial consultation call to ensure the therapist is a good fit for you personally you should expect one to three preparation sessions wherein you discuss your eligibility for KAP, review the risks, identify goals, and set your intentions. If the therapist determines you are a good candidate they will refer you to a medical prescriber who is trained in treating mental health conditions with ketamine. They will complete a thorough medical evaluation and if they also agree you are a good candidate for KAP they will write you a prescription. The prescription is sent to a compounding pharmacy where the ketamine is compounded into a sublingual lozenge which you will pick up a few days before your dosing session.
You will then bring the medication with you to a dosing session. The dosing session is a two to three hour session wherein you take the medicine in conjunction with the support of the therapist. You will need someone to drive you to and pick you up from the dosing session. The dissociative effects of ketamine will last about 45 to 60 minutes and the following 12 to 24 hours you should expect feeling emotionally drained, perhaps a bit more tender and raw, and tired. The rest of the time during the dosing session is spend in meditation, grounding, and processing what came up. You should also plan to have a clear schedule the day after and not going back to work. Ideally within a day or two you are meeting again with the therapist for the most important part - the integration sessions. These sessions will feel like your regular talk therapy sessions but you will be leveraging that two to three week neuroplastic window for processing and integrating what came up for you during the dosing session.
Some clients will repeat this cycle three to eight times every one to three months though some may choose to only do one cycle and then continue as usual with therapy. It is vital to recognize the importance of integration with psychotherapy. Ketamine is not a silver bullet. It is a catalyst for identifying the inner narrative you want to rewrite, setting goals, and making the changes. Ultimately you are still responsible for doing the work and making the changes in your life.
Next steps to Schedule a Consult
If this sounds like something you would be interested in for yourself I would highly recommend finding a KAP therapist near you. If you are in Colorado I am taking new clients and you can use this link to schedule a consultation call with me to discuss KAP. If you are located outside of Colorado you could use PsychologyToday.com or a Google search to find a therapist near you. Search for Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy and you should find some options.
Feel free to reach out via email if you have questions about therapy or KAP counseling@jessehuebner.com.
7 Ways to Improve Your Relationship
Every relationship has it’s challenges. This is not only true for romantic relationship but it is true of any relationship - family, friends, coworkers, even the relationship you have with yourself. Sometimes these challenges persist or even worsen, especially when we don’t make a change.
As a relationship therapist and coach I’ve helped hundreds of individuals and couples navigate the challenges in their relationships and rekindle healthy relationships. I’m by no means perfect but I also practice what I preach and I believe these 7 relationship tips can help you improve the relationships in your life.
Develop Your Emotional Self Awareness
The lack of emotional self awareness is one of the most impactful dynamics I see in unhappy relationships. Yet, emotions play a vital role in our happiness and relationship satisfaction. And reality check, money can’t buy your happiness. One of the reasons I spend so much time with clients helping them identify and process their emotions is because it’s rare to have healthy modeling of how to identify and express our emotions in childhood and even more so in adulthood. When you are able to name what you are feeling, you can begin to understand why you are feeling the way you are, and then you can learn to communicate your emotional activation. If you want to feel happier in your relationships and happier in life over all, invest your time in developing your emotional self awareness.
Stop Criticizing
There are very few situations where criticizing the person you are in relationship with is going to have a helpful outcome. Take folding laundry for example. You might feel frustrated when your partner doesn’t fold the clothes the way you like and so you say, “Don’t hold the clothes that way, do it like this.” This immediately comes across as a criticism. It’s not to say your preferences aren’t important. It’s how you communicate your unmet needs and being able to see the problem from the larger context that matters. If you step back for a moment and ask yourself, “Does this really matter in the large scheme of life?” and you are honest the answer will be no 99/100 times.
Criticizing doesn’t feel good on the receiving end and if we’re honest, it doesn’t feel good for the giver either. In my experience, often times one person in the relationship tends to take on the role of criticizer. However, it’s possible for all members of the relationship to be stuck in a criticizing downward head spin. It’s important to distinguish criticism from healthy feedback. Not only is constructive feedback okay but it’s actually helpful to building a healthy relationship. But in order for there to be constructive feedback there must first be a strong emotional connection within the relationship.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability is being able to say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed from work today, could you help me by listening to me vent for a few minutes?” Vulnerability is directly connected to having emotional self awareness because if you don’t know what you are feeling or why something is bothering you, you won’t be able to step into vulnerability and communicate what you need. Vulnerability could also be asking for helping figuring out what you need, “I’m feeling down, can we talk?”. So often we bring unprocessed emotional activation from one environment into another, often times in the relationships we care the most about and then that relationship becomes the unhealthy outlet. It doesn’t make you a stronger person pretending like you have it all together and nothing is bothering you. The reality is, life is stressful, work is stressful, finances are stressful, parenting is stressful, navigating relationships is stressful, the list could go on and on. It takes more strength to admit that something is bothering you and to talk about it.
Deep Listening
You’ve likely heard of active listening but I believe that doesn’t fully convey the practice of being fully present, fully engaged in what the other person is saying and trying to communicate. Deep listening means you are locked in with the other person, distraction free (i.e. no phones, no TV, etc.), and coming from a posture of seeking to understand. If you are listening deeply, you aren’t waiting for a pause to jump in to defend yourself or responding with, “You’ve done that plenty of times before.” If you are truly coming from a place of wanting to understand, it doesn’t really matter how, what, or when someone says something to you because you are able to hear deeply. Interrupting, name calling, unkind language, or being condescending has no place in a healthy relationship. Healthy communication depends just as much on the listener as it does on the talker. If you are the one talking you too have a responsibility to listen deeply. Listen to how your partner responds and what kind of questions they follow up with. This can help indicate to you if you are communicating in a way that is conveying what you are trying to share and if you need to adjust your approach.
Validation
Validation is saying, “That makes sense… thank you for sharing… your experience is valid.” Following up these affirming statements with further questions solely focused on your partner and inviting them to share more is what validation is all about. Even if you feel you have a valid justification or different facts about the situation or a completely different view point, don’t go there yet, stay focus on what they are sharing and valid their share. Validation is not saying, “I’m sorry you feel that way, here’s what I was trying to do.” This type of statement often feels invalidating, minimize, belittling, and dismissive. It’s a sure way to start conflict. Relationships aren’t about who has the best recollection of what happened or the best memory of facts of the event. Yet so often I see couples getting stuck in unhealthy conflict because they can’t move beyond who is right or wrong and get sucked into the attack/defend cycle. Validation is being able to say, “Your emotions, your feelings, what you are experiencing is valid and I am here to listen.”
Stop Fighting over Fact Finding
This stems directly out of validation. If we’re honest, we all want to be right. We want our experience to be proven as accurate and our memories to be held in high regard. But I am here to tell you there is a difference between what is factually true and what is true from your experience. This isn’t to say the facts of what happened aren’t important because in fact they are important and do serve a purpose in reconciliation and repair. But when you hear your partner sharing something that upsets them or hurt them you can’t start off the conversation with, “That’s not at all what I said/did/meant.” This type of response immediately takes the focus of the person attempting to sharing their hurt with you and by jumping to fact finding the conversation dynamic has now moved into arguing about what did or didn’t happened. This doesn’t just depend on the person listening, it also requires that the person sharing doesn’t get stuck on the exact details of what happened but has done some of their own processing to identify and communicate the deeper hurt and emotions. After 10 or 15 minutes of listening and validating, you can then share what you wanted to say at the beginning but in a way that also communicates your emotions and feelings and less so about the accuracy of the facts. This might look like, “You know when you said I did this, I felt like I was beginning attacked and that hurt because I don’t think that’s entirely accurate.” Now the other person has the responsibility to respond with validation and willing to compromise. For example, “That makes sense and I can see how that hurt you, I don’t know if my phrasing was entirely fair and I’m sorry.”
Seek Understanding
Seeking to understand what your partner is feeling or experiencing on a deep, intimate level requires that you are practicing all that I’ve discussed so far. These each build on one another and feed into each other. True understanding is being able to ask, “Tell me why does that make you feel that way?” Often times I see couples attempting to understand but getting stuck with a passive statement such as, “You seem upset” when instead this can easily be rephrased into a question seeking deeper understanding and connection, “It seems like something is really bothering you, would you like to talk about it now?”. I think many people are too busy and inpatient to slow down and commit time to talking with their partner and this leads to emotions building up, explosive arguments, resentment, stonewalling, withholding, avoidance, and shutting down - all characteristics of a toxic relationship. I believe this is because many people only talk about their emotions in the heat of an argument or when it’s convenient for them. Sometimes all it takes is dedicating 30 minutes once a week to sitting down together and talking about how you each are feeling.
You’ll notice that these dynamics are entirely within your control, they do not require any change on the other person’s side. This isn’t to say the other person doesn’t also need to change. In fact, I believe all members of the relationship must look at themselves and identify where they each can change and try something differently. However, we have absolutely ZERO control over anyone else and we cannot make anyone, except ourselves, change. If you have genuinely been trying different ways to show up in a relationship and you truly feel the other person has not changed at all, then that should give you pause to carefully consider if it’s a relationship you want to continue.
Wondering where to go next? I’m always taking new therapy clients who are located in the state of Colorado or coaching clients world wide - schedule a consult call with me and let’s talk.
Successful Relationships
Relationship Counseling for Couples and Individuals in Denver, Colorado
Whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, relationship stressors impact all of us nearly every day. As a father, husband, son, brother, dog owner, urban farmer, and small business owner, the types of relationships I navigate daily in my life journey are numerous. If you take a moment to reflect on the relationships in your life—your relationship with a romantic partner, family, friends, money, career, hobbies, and even the relationship you have with yourself—I am sure you will notice how every part of life can be viewed through the lens of relationships.
And this is not a surprise. As humans, we are uniquely a community-focused species and thrive in healthy, loving, and supportive relationships. However, this also means that we are at risk of being deeply wounded and hurt when the relationships in our lives suffer.
I want to share with you five daily practices I personally use that have had an immense impact on the relationships in my life, and I believe they can help you too.
Develop a mindfulness practice. For me, this includes sitting meditation, walking mindfulness, guided meditations, introspective reading, and practicing with others. Mindfulness is an incredibly diverse and flexible practice capable of fitting into any lifestyle and belief system.
Emotional intelligence. Everyone is familiar with IQ, but not so much when it comes to emotional intelligence. I find this to be particularly evident with men. The conditioning and modeling men receive tells us not to talk about our feelings, to suppress our emotions, and always act like we have it all together. I know similar dynamics apply to all folx as well. The truth is, emotional intelligence is far more important to life satisfaction and successful relationships than IQ or pretending you have it all figured out.
Open and honest vulnerable communication with my life partner. My wife and I have changed together and grown together in just about every area of life, including our relationship. Without the open and honest vulnerable communication we’ve developed over the years, we surely would have grown apart or found ourselves stuck in an unhappy relationship. Instead, we’re able to share with one another our frustrations, joys, hurts, and excitement about the new things we’re discovering along our life journey, and our relationship is better because of it.
Healthy eating and regular exercise. Don’t mistake this for needing to start the latest dieting fad or an external pressure to work out. Those motivators come from a place of “should,” and one of my life mottos is “don’t should on yourself.”
A belief that everyone is doing the best they can. Even if it seems someone is doing a pretty poor job at life, if we embrace the belief that they are still doing their best, we can begin to access curiosity, which leads to understanding that everyone is dealing with their own monsters and trauma. This doesn’t mean we can’t address or talk about things that frustrate us about someone else or bring up an issue when we feel wronged. But when we recognize that everyone is doing the best they can, our approach changes. We can access love and forgiveness even when we feel someone has done us wrong.
Bonus because it’s vital—above all else, develop a healthy relationship with your anger. Unbridled anger looks like resentment, contempt, malice, assuming the worst in the other, always seeing yourself as the victim, and not taking responsibility in the role you play in every relationship. The opposite of anger is not pretending to be a nice guy. In my experience, the nice guy that everyone experiences on the outside is often the most angry within themselves and in their most private relationships. The opposite of anger is compassion. But in order to have compassion for others, you must first learn how to have and shown deep compassion to yourself, to those times in life you wish you could go back and change, to that part of you that feels like a mess up, and to every mistake you’ve made and will continue to make for the rest of your evolution. Learn to be a compassionate person.
If you noticed, only number 3 has anything to do with the other person you’re in relationship with, and even then, we can always move toward more communication even when we feel it’s not being reciprocated.
What this means is that the key to successful relationships begins with the relationship you have with yourself.
You are the only common denominator in every relationship you’ll experience. You are also the only person you can change. Spending any time or effort on changing anyone else is futile at best and entirely counterproductive at worst.
If you’re ready to begin the process of developing a better relationship with yourself, I’d love for you to schedule a free consultation with me.
How to Improve Relationships Using Mindfulness
There are all sorts of issues and problems we face in relationships, such as communication shortcomings, overstepped boundaries, rebuilding trust, resolving conflict, and increasing intimacy. For all of these issues, there are countless solutions we can use to try and improve in these areas.
One skill I find to be most impactful is the practice of mindfulness.
What is mindfulness?
Mindfulness is the practice of learning how to be fully present in every moment and bringing your awareness inward. It is a skill that can be learned and developed with practice.
How can mindfulness improve relationships?
Mindfulness can help us to improve our relationships in a number of ways. For example, mindfulness can help us to:
Improve our communication: When we are mindful, we are more likely to be present in the moment and to listen to our partner without judgment. This can lead to more effective communication and conflict resolution.
Build trust: When we are mindful, we are more likely to be honest with our partner about our thoughts and feelings. This can help to build trust and intimacy in our relationships.
Increase empathy: When we are mindful, we are more likely to be aware of our partner's perspective. This can help us to be more understanding and supportive of our partner.
Reduce stress: Mindfulness can help us to reduce stress and anxiety, which can improve our overall well-being and make it easier to connect with our partners.
How to practice mindfulness in relationships
There are many ways to practice mindfulness in relationships. Here are a few examples:
Mindful listening: When you are talking to your partner, take a moment to pause and focus on your breathing. Then, listen to your partner with an open mind and heart. Try to avoid judgment and simply listen to what they have to say.
Mindful touch: When you are physically close to your partner, take a moment to notice how their body feels. Pay attention to the sensations of their skin, their breath, and their heartbeat. This can help you to connect with your partner on a deeper level.
Mindful walking: When you are walking with your partner, friend, or colleague try to slow your pace, bring your awareness to your steps in unison, and focus on the wonderful moment you are experiencing together.
Conclusion
Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can be used to improve our relationships. By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to be more present, more understanding, and more connected in relationships. This can lead to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
If you're interested in learning more about mindfulness and how to use it in your relationships, I would love to have you join my free workshop Stress Reduction and Inner Peace through Mindfulness which I facilitate every third Saturday of the month at 11am MST over Zoom. Click here to register.
My latest podcast episode on here’s what I hear also goes into this very topic more in-depth, click here to give it a listen wherever you listen to podcasts.
I hope this blog post has been helpful. If you’d like to dialogue further, book a free consultation.
25 Questions to Deepen Your Relationships
Whether you are enjoying a nice meal with a friend, talking with a relative, getting to know a new team, or looking to connect more with your romantic partner, this list of 25 questions will help you deepen the relationships you care most about in life.
The goal with all of these questions is that they should be conversation starters so your answer should be a story and not just a few word response. You should try to spend at least a couple minutes on each question, the longer and the more rabbit trails the better. Feel free as well to reword the question into your own way of saying it.
Let’s get started!
What’s been your biggest highlight of the past year?
Tell me about one of the most impactful places you’ve been to…
Whose someone you’ve met that you would like to be closer with?
What are you most excited for in the year ahead?
What author would you like to get to have a one on one conversation with?
Tell me about one of your fondest childhood memories…
Who was your childhood best friend?
Would you rather live downtown in a big city or in the rural forest and why?
If you had to move to another country where would it be and why?
Tell me about one of the biggest motivators in your life right now…
How do you feel about your career/studies/business?
What do you wish was different about our relationship?
How can I be a better friend to you?
Whose your best friend and why?
Tell me about the neighborhood you live in…
If you own pets, tell me everything about them… if you don’t own pets do you want to or not and why?
What do you believe happens after death?
Do you believe there’s life on other planets?
What do you do for fun?
Tell me everything about the last vacation you took…
Were you raised in a faith system and do you still believe that way?
Where is home for you?
If you have kids, tell me everything about them… if you don’t, do you want to have kids?
Are you happy with life?
Other than money, what’s one thing in life that would bring you more life satisfaction?
Whether you are just around the corner of my office here in Cherry Creek Denver, Colorado looking for marriage counseling or from the other side of the globe looking for life coaching, I’d love to work with you.
I help individuals and couples from all walks of life obtain life giving relationships - from platonic to romance and from parenting to career, I can help you deepen the relationships in your life. You can read more about myself here and read more about my approach here.
The first step is to schedule a free consultation. Use the link below to get started. I can’t wait to meet you!
Redefining Masculinity: Breaking Down Toxic Gender Roles for Better Mental Health
As a male therapist, I often get asked by clients and friends about various struggles unique to our species - how do I control my emotions, how did I find a romantic partner, how do I navigate fatherhood and managing a small business.
The unfortunate reality is there's a lot of shit out there when it comes to advice for men. I call it toxic masculinity. A quick Google search yields some interesting results - stay fit, fight for what you believe in, get smart. You have to dig to find much about emotional awareness, humility, or giving respect.
The Problem
The problem with toxic masculinity is that it not only harms men themselves, but it also harms those around them. It can lead to mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety, as well as relationship problems, violence, homophobia, and gender-based discrimination. That's why it's so important that we work to break down these harmful gender roles and redefine what it means to be a man in today's society.
Mental Health
One of the biggest challenges that men face when it comes to mental health is the pressure to conform to traditional gender roles. Men are often expected to be strong and self-sufficient, and to avoid showing any signs of vulnerability or weakness. This can make it difficult for men to seek help when they're struggling with mental health issues, and can contribute to feelings of isolation and shame.
That's why it's so important to redefine masculinity in a way that promotes emotional openness and vulnerability. This means breaking down the idea that men should always be tough and stoic, and instead encouraging men to embrace their emotions and seek help when they need it.
Here are three of what I believe to be the most toxic characteristics for men:
Always needing to be right - Don't confuse this with a willingness to always back down. This has more to say about how you internally feel about your partner or friends. Sometimes those who feel they are always going along with their partner are the ones who struggle the most with this concept.
Never taking your partner's advice - This is different than just who is right and who is wrong. This is a deep-rooted core value of how you see others you are in a relationship with. Do you actually value their opinion more than you want yours to be viewed?
Believing sex is on demand - Specifically for romantic relationships, I find that men often struggle the most when it comes to sexual intimacy. For many healthy relationships, but not all, sex is a part of the relationship but it is not the pinnacle of life satisfaction so stop investing so much of your mental energy on it.
Healthy Masculinity
So, what does healthy masculinity look like? It looks like men who are comfortable expressing their emotions and seeking help when they need it. It looks like men who are able to form deep and meaningful connections with others, and who reject the idea that aggression and competitiveness are the only ways to prove their masculinity.
If you're struggling with any of these toxic characteristics, I invite you to explore these issues with me. Book a free consultation today and let's start the journey to a healthier version of yourself.
Why Do Couples Fight?
I've taken a bit of a hiatus the last couple months with this blog but I am excited to get back to sending these out more regularly. Perhaps it's the new Spring energy.
Today I want to talk to you about the number one issue couples come to me wanting to change - how to stop fighting.
Fighting in relationships can be exhausting, defeating, and decrease satisfaction in the relationship so it's understandable we would want this to change.
But did you know it's actually a GOOD thing that you fight? Of course, there's a difference between healthy and unhealthy fighting - using kind language, respect, and not tearing down - but the fact the you are fighting means you're at least communicating to a certain extent and that's actually a great starting point.
Part of the problem is that our mindset is not on how to repair after a fight. Instead, our mindset is usually "How do we fight less?" and rarely "How do we make up after a fight?" Every relationship goes through phases of harmony, disharmony, and repair. The repair is essential to getting back into harmony.
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Here are three ways you can change the fighting dynamic in your relationship
Use kind language - name calling, cursing, cutting down, and physical aggression have no place in a healthy relationship.
Readdress the fight - once tempers have cooled and you are in a better place, readdress the topic on the following day during your best time.
Adjust your mindset on frequency of fights - the frequency of how often you fight really has very little to say about the quality of your relationship. The important thing is that you repair and communicate.
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In my most recent podcast episode I talk more about this dynamic and this specific skill. I'd love for you to listen.
Click here to give it a listen
Permission to take a break
Recently I was talking with my wife about a fairly significant part that comes up for both of us from time to time - the false message that we have to always be on and be doing something productive. For me, a lot of this part of my self stems back to being a middle child and the explicit and implicit messages I received to always be attending to how others feel. Now, as a counselor and coach running a private practice and married to a partner who is also running her own business, there are ample opportunities for this part to try to become the dominate voice.
I know from my work with couples and clients that this pressure to perform and always be doing your best is a common internal dialog many wrestle with as well. I’ve noticed this has been even more true throughout the pandemic and now in these uncertain financial times in the world - there is a growing sense that not only is there no time to take a break, you can’t afford to.
Friends, this is simply false. Your body, your mind, your soul, your emotional reservoir must rest. You cannot afford not to take a break. I don’t simply mean taking time off or taking a vacation, frankly sometimes those are not truly restful either. I am talking about a deep root, daily posture of giving yourself permission that you do not need to be and cannot be productive 100% of the time.
Here are a couple ways to help you being practicing a daily posture of rest:
Meditate or simply practice slowing & noticing your breathing
Eat your lunch outside
See how slow you can walk through the park
Share something you are grateful for each day
What I have learned, and still am learning, is that I can recognize and appreciate what this part of me is trying to say but I don’t have to let that voice lead. My true Self knows it is impossible as humans to always be on, always be productive, and that it is not only okay to rest but that is actually healthy to slow down and smell the flowers.
If you need someone to help you slow down and rest, I would love to journey into that space with you. You can book a free consultation session with me here.
If you have questions about this or anything else about relationships, feel free to send me an email at counseling@jessehuebner.com
I look forward to connecting with you.
How can I improve my relationship?
Every relationship has it’s ups and down. There will be days, weeks, months, maybe even years on end that feel amazing. Then you hit some road bumps or maybe even a wall. This is normal. This is the typical cycle in all relationships. The difference is not whether or not you have challenges, it’s how you manage these challenges in relationship. However, perhaps you’ve gotten to a place where the arguments and frustrations now seem to be the status quo.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
I believe the most important relationships in our lives should be energizing, life giving, and fulfilling more than they are draining, frustrating, and exhausting.
So, how can you improve your relationships?
Relationships are always a give and take. There are things your partner, your friend, your family member, or your colleague could be doing better or differently - 100% I know that is true. But, there are also things that you could be doing better or different to improve your relationship too. Improving your relationship starts with the person reading this - you.
And here’s the thing - who do you ultimately have control over? Your friend? No. Your partner? Oh how life would be better but no way. Your family members? Yeah right! Your boss or colleague? We wish! Yourself. And that’s it.
This does not mean that you are the problem. It is simply an acknowledgment that you only have control over yourself and that you are the only constant in every relationships you are in. Yes, of course, you should be giving feedback to those you are in relationship with and expressing how you want things to be different but if that’s all you are focused on and you aren’t examining how you may need to change, then you aren’t taking advantage of your most valuable asset.
Here are three simple ways you can improve your relationship today
Express how a situation makes you feel, not what the other person did wrong. Try saying, “It makes me sad and upset when I am not made a priority.”
Learn to be more patient. So much easier said than done. I know, I’m right there with you. But our animalistic nature will always be ready to react. Instead, learn how to be more patient, gentle, kind, and open to feedback.
Release your stress outside of the relationship. I.e. queue the self care. Don’t take your frustrations and stresses out on those you are in relationship with. That’s what massages are for!
If you’re looking for ways to improve your relationship, I want to work with you. I help individuals and couples from all walks of life make meaningful change in their relationships. I am passionate about relationships and I would be honored to know more about what you are going through. I offer a free consultation session which is essentially a free full session and I’d love for you to take advantage of it.
Here’s a link to book a free consultation with me today
I can’t wait to talk with you.
When should I start seeing a counselor?
Have you ever wondered or asked yourself, “when is the right time to start seeking professional help?” Well, you are not alone.
This is one of the most common questions individuals and couples wrestle with when deciding to reach out. I find that most clients are well aware that something needs to change in their life, yet they aren’t quite sure how to make that change. The reality is, if you are thinking you could benefit from counseling or coaching - that is a good sign to start! In fact, research shows that most couples wait on average 7 years before seeking out a professional! Imagine what could be different if you started now instead of kicking the can down the road.
If you’re still on the fence, I want to share with you some of the most common reasons couples work with me.
Now, of course, there are all sorts of reasons folx seek out a coach or counselor. Sometimes there is one challenge or issue you want to address and sometimes there are many layers to work through. Some wait a long time, sometimes too long, before seeking out a profession while others jump in at the earliest warning sign. In my experience, here are several common reasons to start seeing a profession.
5 signs that you should probably see a relationship coach or counselor...
Communication in your relationship seems to always end up in conflict
What you've tried on your own doesn't seem to be making any difference
You feel a sense of resentment toward your partner
You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner
You're not getting the type or amount of intimacy you desire
If you resonated with any of these or something in you've been feeling like you want to get help in your relationship, I would love to talk with you. In fact, I would love to offer you a free full session as a consultation. No strings attached, just a chance for you to share some of the challenges you’re facing and get some honest feedback from a professional!
Is it time to move on?
If you've ever asked yourself this question about a relationship, a job, a career, or any other life transition - you are not alone. This is one of the most common questions I get asked by clients and it's often one of the first questions that come up, even before clients are working with me. I've asked myself this too and I actually believe it's a very healthy question to ask yourself often.
This has been coming up a lot with the clients I'm working with and I think if people are being honest, they hope I'll give them an answer or have a secret formula for answering this question. But the fact is, I'm not going to answer this question for you - you have this answer this question for yourself.
Here are some additional questions to help you discern how you might answer the question, "is it time to move on?"
Are my needs being met consistently?
Is the other person willing to change and showing effort? (If you're exploring a life transition you might phrase this question, "Can things change if I stay in this place and what evidence is there?")
What's the main reason I haven't moved on yet?
Your answers to these questions is not going to give you an immediate answer to the main question but it will help you reflect and explore what is right for you.
If you're ready to dive in head first into these questions, you need to join one of my relationship coaching programs.
THRIVE is a weekly relationship coaching program which meets every Friday at 9am MDT over Zoom webinar. This isn't group therapy, it's one on one coaching facilitated in a group format. When you join you get lifetime access.
Schedule a free 15 minutes discovery call and let's chat about you joining
Am I being gaslit?
What is gaslighting and are you experiencing it?
In the work I do with relationships I see ALOT of gaslighting. Sometimes the clients recognize it and tell me that is specifically what they are looking for help with while other times it’s not so evident. Sometimes it even happens in the counseling room between the couple.
Simply put, gaslighting is being treated as if your experience is not valid and is completely delusional. The term originates from a 1938 British stage play called Gas Light in which a husband convinces his wife of an alternative reality which is harmful to her so that he can steal from her. Although the APA considers the term gaslighting to be colloquialism, it is sometimes used in clinical literature. Gaslighting first showed up in a clinical research paper "Gaslighting: A Marital Syndrome" (Lund and Gardiner, 1988). This research paper revealed how severe and manipulative negative treatment from individuals in a position of power, i.e. Gaslighting, can actually cause psychosis in the worst cases.
Nowadays the term gaslighting has gain a lot of prominence as more and more cultural shifts move toward self-confidence, individual actualization, and person-centered care. The term has the potential to be misused or overused and thereby reducing it’s potency when gaslighting is actually being experienced.
Here are 6 ways you can recognize gaslighting
Someone you are in a relationship with is constantly saying you did something you in fact did not do
Your partner says you are "too sensitive” or “you cry at everything” or constantly tells you to stop being so emotional
Someone has made up stories and experiences about you and then spreads these stories to important people in your life
Someone close to you claims something never happened that you have memories of
Whenever you open up and share about something that is bothering you, the other person rejects your perspective and tries to convince you of an alternative experience
Whenever you bring up difficult events from the past, someone always responds with “you had it so good, those were just a few isolated events.”
Are you experiencing gaslighting? Or perhaps you are realizing you do this to those are you. If this resonates with you, I would love for you to join Thrive. You can read all about it on my website here.
Still have questions? Book a free discovery call.
Counseling isn’t for everyone
Look, I'll be honest, counseling doesn't always work. There I said it. Sometimes it's just not the right time or season, sometimes it's the counselor (i.e. me), and sometimes it's the client/s.
One of the reasons I see people struggling to make meaningful change or progress in counseling is because of the cost and frequency. I love working with everyone I get the opportunity to journey with and I truly believe I have a unique and impactful approach.
This is one of the reasons I've created a weekly relationship program called Thrive. I want to give folks an alternative to traditional therapy while still getting access to my approach and techniques. It is also important to me to make it cost effective. Thrive is a group coaching program I lead once a week over Zoom Webinar and it's lifetime access - yes, one purchase good for life. I'm launching the program July 1st and we'll meet via Zoom on Fridays at 9am MST.
This isn't a therapy group - far from it. Members show up with a question or a challenge or even to share successes, I provide live coaching to the individual or couple, and everyone else gets to watch, listen, and get coaching indirectly. I will also post recordings so you can go back and watch at any time.
I have all the details about Thrive on my website and I'd love for you join.
Group Coaching
If you would've asked me a couple years ago, I would've not only been a skeptic about group coaching, I would've quickly shot down any idea of facilitating this type of space myself. However, what's happened between then and now is that I've experienced the truly life changing environment group coaching can be and the multiplying effect an entire community meeting together can have.
This is one of the reasons I've created a weekly relationship program called Thrive. Thrive is a group coaching program I lead once a week over Zoom Webinar and it's lifetime access - yes, one purchase good for life. I'm launching the program July 1st and we'll meet Fridays at 9am MST.
This isn't a therapy group - far from it. Members show up with a question or a challenge or even to share successes, I provide live coaching to the individual or couple, and everyone else gets to watch, listen, and get coaching indirectly. I will also post recordings so you can go back and watch at any time.
I have all the details about Thrive here on my website and I'd love for you join.
Start having fun!
Having fun in your relationships is a key element to a healthy and thriving relationship. In this post I share a few thoughts and advice on how to introduce fun back into your life.
As a father, I am often taken back by the free spirit and playful approach my child has just about every moment of her life. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely days and times when she's cranky but overall she's all about play, play, play.
This has me thinking a lot lately about fun in life and in our relationships. As we grow older and into adulthood and as our relationships transition through time, there is something about societal expectations or implicit false messages that tell us play and fun shouldn't be our main focus.
I think this is a bunch of crap.
You should be having fun in your relationships and throughout your entire life.
Whether it is a relationship with family or friends, a romantic partner, a job, or just life in general - you should be having fun.
Are you having fun?
Take a moment to ask yourself these questions and answer them honestly:
Who did I last laugh with?
When did I last play?
Am I having fun in my relationships?
Mastering Kindness
Mastering kindness is an important part of any relationship. What does kindness look like in a relationship and how can you improve in this area? Read the blog to get a few simple ideas.
If you've worked with me recently, you know I am a big fan of Gottman. Gottman talks about Masters of Relationships exhibiting deep kindness toward others. I've been seeing this coming up a lot with clients I work with. But here's the thing, it's not just kindness toward others that is important, it's also kindness toward:
Yourself
Your past
The path you are currently on
The pace at which you are moving toward your goals
This is so important. I truly believe that you cannot be authentically kind toward others until you've started showing kindness toward yourself. Here's a phrase to help with this:
I am exactly where I am suppose to be today, right now, in this moment