What is couples counseling?

Couples counseling is a type of psychotherapy that can help you and your partner, or partners, improve your relationship. You may also hear it referred to as couples therapy, relationship counseling, or premarital counseling. The primary distinction is that couples counseling includes more than just one person and the focus is on the relationship. Couples counseling is regulated by professional licensing boards which requires professionals who provide couples counseling to undergo strict education and licensing requirements.

Does couples therapy really work?

Absolutely! I didn't get into counseling initially with a desire to focus on couples and relationships but throughout the years I've realized how impactful this space is for clients that I have been drawn more and more into this work. I'm not exaggerating when I say I see breakthroughs and progress every week. Not only am I seeing it, but I hear couples tell me all the time how helpful our sessions are and how good it feels to be going in the right direction.

How does couples counseling work?

There are many different approaches, techniques, and skills in couples therapy but for the most part they all have a few things in common. First, think of the counselor as a professional facilitator helping you reprocess through modeling communication, feedback, and validation. The counselor is also a feedback loop, helping bring to light dysfunctional patterns, negative coping skills, and problematic interactions. The counselor then helps to provide a different way of interacting. In the specific type of couples therapy I largely draw from, Gottman and EFT, we heavily focus on using the session time to reprocess and choreograph the exact type of interactions you desire outside of the session. I also believe the relationship with the counselor is paramount because it is a real relationship, it is a professional relationship but it is still a real relationship in which you can practice and change how you interact in relationships with the belief that these interactions will begin to take place outside of session.

Who should go to couples counseling?

If you are feeling frustrated in your relationship or unfilled, it would likely be a good time to go to counseling. Any couple looking to improve their relationship, work through an issue, increase romance and intimacy, resolve conflict, or learn new communication skills can benefit from couples counseling. Research shows that the average couple waits six years before starting counseling! What this means is that you should likely start couples counseling much sooner than you think. If you’ve tried to address issues in your relationship on your own without the desired changes or without sustained changes, that is a good indicator that you may want to get professional help.

Is it normal to go to couples counseling?

Yes! It is absolutely okay and normal to need help and to seek professional support to improve your relationship. However, research shows that only 19% of couples seek professional help and only 37% of divorced couples first tried couples counseling prior to filing for divorce. What this means is that many more couples could benefit from counseling. So although the majority of couples don’t seek counseling, there is a lot of research showing that many relationships could benefit from counseling.

Can a broken relationship be fixed?

Almost any issue can be resolved in a relationship. However, there are many factors that influence if a relationship can be repaired. Couples counseling has been proven by countless studies to improve relationship satisfaction, fulfillment, and intimacy. This does not mean that every couple who seeks couples counseling will end up staying together or reaching their goals. One of the biggest impacts on the success of treatment is each member of the relationship working toward the same goal and showing up to do the work.

What is the success rate of couples counseling?

The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists demonstrates that nearly 90% of couples report an improvement after couples counseling. Additionally, 98% of marriage and family therapists report good or excellent results. One of the biggest impacts on the success of couples therapy is the partners wanting to improve their relationship. Put simply, if you want it to get better, it can. The other biggest impact on the success of therapy is your rapport with the professional so make sure you find someone you feel comfortable opening up with and believe in their approach.

Can couples therapy make things worse?

Although highly unlikely, there is always the risk that any type of treatment, not just within counseling, can make things worse. In fact, counseling has one of the lowest rates of clients reporting feeling worse than they started. When I begin to notice a couple isn't making the progress toward their goals or they are backsliding, we use this in session and it's important to quickly address this, shift the approach, and realign to the goal. More often I find that couples sometimes report feeling worse about their relationship during the beginning of couples therapy but I believe this is because they are now facing their issues head on, having the hard conversations about their relationship, processing painful feelings & experiences, and potentially discovering their own or their partner's deal breakers.

How do I prepare for my first couples counseling session?

I always recommend talking with your partner about your goals for therapy in preparation for the first session. Take a few minutes and write down your answer to this question, "In 3 months from now, what concrete change do I want to see in my relationship?" Additionally, you should complete any paperwork the counselor sends you ahead of time. This ensures your full counseling session can be used to begin the work as opposed to completing paperwork. Some paperwork can take 15 minutes or longer so it's important to try to knock this out beforehand. Lastly ensure you have all the logistics fairly well understood, how long it's going to take to get to the office or if virtual do you have the correct software ready, do you know where to park, are you going to be rushed leaving to go to your session and after you leave or can you rearrange to make the time less stressful, and do you know how to get ahold of the counselor should any last minute issues arise. Lastly, be willing to step into vulnerability and authenticity.

How much does counseling cost?

The cost of counseling per 45 minute session can range from as low as $0 to $300 or higher. The cost varies widely due to numerous factors such as location, insurance, provider, and expertise. The lowest out of pocket cost is typically found through a school counseling program where clients meet with a student in training or through a religious organization. If you have medicaid, the cost of counseling is fully covered. Most insurances have some form of coverage for counseling so be sure to look at your benefits. If you are paying fully out of pocket, meaning you are not using any insurance, expect to spend from $80 to $300 per 45 minute session. Another helpful thing to keep in mind is that most flexible spending accounts or health savings accounts can be used for counseling.